Christmas is one of the few times of the year during which it’s perfectly acceptable to embrace “bad” fashion. Ugly knitted sweaters, overloads of colour and glitter, and letting loose with all the clichés that make the holidays so fun and carefree, while the fashion police check out for the year to relish in the same fashion faux pas with you. Togetherness, that’s what it’s all about. And Die Hard, of course – that pretty much goes without saying. But what does need to be said is that there are “bad” fashion choices in the hilariously endearing sense, and then there are bad fashion choices – the kind that’ll ruin Christmas. In the spirit of giving, we’ll break down the differences below.
DO: Music merch sweaters
It seems that when it comes to Christmas sweaters, the uglier, the better. And if you can rep an artist who throws in a festive pun that’ll have strangers pointing at your chest and smugly say, “Oh, I get it,” or perhaps show off your passion for the antichrist while celebrating the Big J’s birthday, all the better.
DON'T: Uninventive music merch sweaters
The fact that it’s red and plays on a song title doesn’t make it festive, clever, or even remotely aesthetically appealing. And it sure as hell doesn’t warrant a US$60.00 price tag. For shame, Beyoncé, for shame.
Manly, but at the same time comforting, and the perfect facial decoration for the time of winter wonderlands. If there was ever a time to make use of your pricey beard-specific styling products and channel Saint Nick, it’s Christmas.
DON'T: Beard baubles
That look of dread on the guy’s face? That’s the sinking realisation that he just made his beard – a defining feature of his identity, a shield he has hidden behind for years – into a weapon to be used against him.
DO: Santa hats
You can be as lazy as you like with the rest of your outfit and still look like you’ve got the holiday spirit once you pop one of these one. Basically, it’s an extremely hard accessory to screw up. Also, red forever, green never.
DON'T: Christmas tree hats
“Look, I’m only doing this to pay my student loans. Just take the damn picture already.”
With or without reindeer or snowflake motifs, scarves are a timeless winter accessory that embody the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” season. If you don't have the luxury of a white winter, then a chiffon scarf in classic Yuletide shades will do the trick for a festive feel.
DON'T: Tinsel scarves
If it’s too hard to tell whether your scarf is, in fact, a scarf, or a last-minute attempt to use a leftover roll of tinsel that you purchased for the purposes of decorating your tree, then chances are others won’t get it either.
DO: Festive lingerie
Is it cliché? Sure, but when have tried-and-tested formulas ever escaped fashion’s nauseating pursuit of ‘cutting edge’? The best part is that if you already have lingerie in rouge sitting in your drawer, then you’re already set for Yuletide.
If this fashion “trend” could be summarised in one word, it’d be “Arrogance” – and the people making this a thing are probably the same people who think giving you a rice pudding made with their breast milk is a kind gesture. Pop that tit back in, Rudolph deserves better.
Text Trent Davis
Images Various Sources